This explains a lot of me...

Until I went to college, the only bathroom reading I ever had was "Calvin & Hobbes." I've always been a gigantic fan of Bill Watterson's writing, but only tonight did I realize his genius. Here's a selection of quotes, some of which are just flat out philosophically rich:

Calvin: From now on, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success…. I’m just here to cash in.

Calvin: I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Calvin: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?… Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?

Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?

Calvin: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Calvin: If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again.

Calvin: It’s hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.

Calvin: They say winning isn’t everything, and I’ve decided to take their word for it.

Calvin: It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.

Calvin: My brain always rejects attitude transplants.

Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

Calvin: Reality continues to ruin my life.

Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

Calvin: There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

Calvin: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

Calvin: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.

Calvin: What assurance do I have that your parenting isn’t screwing me up?

Calvin: You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!

Calvin: You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.

Calvin: That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Calvin: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in…But everytime I do, they tell me to stop it.

Hobbes: I don’t know which is worse…that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

Hobbes: I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.

Hobbes: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?

Calvin’s Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?

Calvin’s Dad: Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can’t remember what I just got up to do?

Calvin’s Dad: By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee “mud.” You may rise.

Susie: Talking with you is the conversational-equivalent of an out of body experience.

Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you’d be a weird example for our children.

Susie: Uh oh… here comes Calvin – the Incurable Weirdness poster child.

Calvin: This piece of pie is awfully darn small!
Calvin’s Mom: Life could be a lot worse, Calvin.
Calvin: Life could be a lot better too! … But worse is more likely.

Calvin: Dad, where do babies come from?
Calvin’s Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the assembly kit, and read the instructiions.
Calvin: I CAME FROM SEARS?!?!
Dad: No, you were a Blue Light Special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin: AAUUGHHH!
Calvin’s Mom: Dear, what are you telling him now?!

Calvin’s Dad: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?
Calvin: Too few role models.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?

Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin?
Calvin: I’m still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you?
Susie: I’m “fat.”
Calvin: No, I mean in the play.
Susie: Anyone ELSE want to say it?!?
Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!

Calvin: Ms. Wormwood, I’m a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless, I feel the need for spiritual guidance as I face the day’s trials. Therefore, I was wondering if I could strip down, smear myself with paste, and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way.

Calvin: If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative to not know this material. I’ll be out in the playground.

Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It’s just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You’d think they’d change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, ‘What’s wrong with this idiot?’ But they go on complaining and repeating what they’ve already said!
Hobbes: Maybe they’re not very self aware.
Calvin: Boy, that’s another thing that gets on my nerves!

Calvin: I sure am great! I’m one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I’m great in so many great ways! In fact, I’m so great that my greatness is…
Susie: You’re not great! You’re the most conceited blowhard I’ve ever met!
Calvin: When you’re great, people often mistake candor for bragging.

Hobbes: Shouldn’t you be doing your homework?
Calvin: I’m pretty sure the assignment was optional.
Hobbes: Denial springs eternal.
Calvin: It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin! Pay attention! We’re studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in?
Calvin: Denial.
Ms. Wormwood: [sighs] Well, I don’t suppose I can’t argue with that..

Calvin: Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we can speak.
Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice.

Food for thought.

JMRB.